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Imagine holding a bouquet of balloons. And someone comes up to you and pops one with a pin. Then another. Then another. Pop! Slam! Bam! You’re shaken, shocked and need to take a few deep breaths to recover from the impact.

This is what it can be like to receive feedback. Whether it’s a work project, a creative project, or input on how you show up as a person, feedback can be jarring, painful and downright destructive. As a coach of the creative process, I have seen how feedback can devastate people and shut down their creative dreams. One man, probably in his seventies, showed up in a writing group I was leading. He had received negative feedback on his writing twenty-five years earlier. It had taken all that time to work up the courage to come back to his writing. It was sad but I was glad to see that his writing urge refused to be dampened.

Feedback is a necessary part of growing as a writer or artist, so it’s best to become graceful at receiving feedback. Here are a few steps that will help to &ndash gulp &ndash take feedback and use it to encourage you instead of deflating you.

First, get really good at asking for feedback from the right sources. Give yourself a chance to get feedback that is constructive and kind. Seek trusted writing buddies, writing mentors, or teachers whom you know have your best interests in mind. Spouses, parents and children may not be objective enough to give useful comments. They may not want to hurt your feelings, or they may be insensitive to your feelings. A spouse or a friend may have no clue about what makes a good story and they just don’t have the skills to comment. No matter who you choose, make sure to include this vital second step.

You may not know that you can design the feedback process. You can! Know that when you ask for comments, the giver’s ego may get a little puffed up. Here’s their chance to be right, to know, and to point out all the things that are wrong with your short story or essay. It can be like someone getting the weed wacker out to tidy up the sidewalk and then the rush of power surges over into destroying the whole yard. Know what kind of comments will best serve your growth and ask for it. You may want the comments in written form. Having it written down will make it easier to assess the feedback later, which is the next step.

Give yourself time to integrate the emotions and thoughts that the feedback will provoke. I suggest setting the feedback aside until at least the next day. No matter how much you want to hear commentary, it can still affect you emotionally. You may be in denial, you may want to argue, you may be hurt or frustrated that you still have a lot of work to do. Give yourself time to let all the emotion settle in. Then, when you feel more objective, take a look at the feedback. You’ll want a clear mind to be able to discern what is useful, which is the next critical phase.

You’ve gotten a response and now you need to discern what will improve your project or performance. Being as objective as you can, look at the feedback and ask this simple question: “What’s true?” Keep your primary objective in mind and use that as a guidepost for whether the feedback you have gotten will be used or discarded. Another question to ask is “What can I learn here?” Notice if you become defensive, since that’s not the wisest approach to doing your best. Make notes as you go back through the feedback and decide how you want to move forward with it.

Commentary is an essential part of the writing process, and if you’re interested in improving your writing, you should be seeking feedback. Getting kind and constructive comments is key to becoming a good writer. Use my steps to receive comments gracefully. Soon you’ll love the feedback process and will be asking for it even more often! Feedback is a part of creativity, so don’t let it burst your bubble.

You may have heard about the five phases of grief. Psychological professionals have outlined the pattern of emotions that humans cycle through during the grieving process. As a writing professional, I’ve discovered the five phases of receiving feedback. Any writer who is advancing in their career has been through the sometimes shocking experience of having her work critiqued. Cycling through these five feedback phases is normal. Getting stuck in any of them, however, could bring your writing career to a painful halt. See if you recognize yourself at any of these phases:

Denial. Defensiveness sets in. How could they say that about your character? Can’t they see how perfect she is? You go home and rant to your spouse about how clueless your critique group is. You shore up a line of defense and tick the points off on your fingers while your beloved nods and smiles.

Depression. What? Your draft isn’t perfect? After all that work… you realize that your blossoming talent doesn’t hold up without some pruning. You may hole up for weeks, or months, in this phase, daunted by the real work of writing: revision. Your balm: forays to the library and to read all those other successes.

Integration. You’re still alive, and is that a glimmer of desire to have another look at your manuscript? Take a deep breath and look clearly at the comments you received. Which feedback can be integrated and what needs to be chucked?

Enthusiasm. Okay, you know what to do now. You’ve found some grace and you’ve taken the criticism. Outlining a plan for revision, you’re ready to go. You’re over the worst of it. You’re even kind of excited about it. You can write a bestseller!

Acceptance. You move into work mode and start working through the details.

You realize that writing is suitable work for those who can handle the long haul. You recommit to the work of being a writer. There’s a lot to do, but with support you can write this thing!

To move through the five phases more effectively, here are some tried and true methods that I have used with my coaching clients.

To handle the denial, ask yourself this simple question: “What’s true about this feedback?” Take a step back from the work and be as objective as you can. Is it true that there is a lot of exposition in your novel? Is it true that your characters don’t seem developed enough? Making this kind of assessment strengthens your skills as a writer. Taking your work apart, piece by piece, will allow you to delve into the craft of writing.

For the overwhelming emotions that drive you to hide under the covers, try giving yourself an acknowledgment. This simple coaching tool can help you to recognize your progress, and what you have done right. An acknowledgment could look like this: “You gave the draft as much as you could when you wrote it. Look at how far you have come since you said you wanted to write.” Working through the emotions goes more quickly if you are able to talk them out with a compassionate listener.

Call up your writing buddy or coach and give space to the feelings that without expression might keep you trapped for months.

When you get to the integration phase, give yourself a pat on the back. You’re maturing as a writer. Realizing that writing is more than the first flush of inspiration is a powerful step toward success. Give yourself a better chance at success by outlining a plan, creating a schedule, and sticking to the work of revision.

Enthusiasm is the fun part of the process. Here you reconnect with some of the original passion for the piece, but with the added commitment and knowledge that you are willing to show up to make your writing shine.

In the final phase, the flare and spark of enthusiasm settles into a warm, steady fire.

You are fueled by the respect you have for yourself for sticking with it, for your love of writing, for your admiration for others who have done this work and triumphed.

If you do find yourself stuck, if getting feedback has stopped you cold, get help. Meet with a writing buddy to talk out the feedback. Talk long walks and ponder your commitment to the work. What drives you to keep going despite the challenges?

Understanding your motivation to write, and to write that particular piece, will help you to move through the five phases of feedback more quickly. Receiving feedback gracefully is part of any writer’s process, so make it work for you!